It's a Joke!

Have you heard about the new sexual position featured in the Kama Sutra? It's called the Plumber's Position: you wait in all bloody day, and no bugger comes.

I returned home yesterday evening to find water pissing through the living-room ceiling. After grabbing towels and pans, I figured the leak was spurting from a heating pipe, and rang for an engineer. He eventually arrived - mobile phone pressed against his ear obviously placating an irate wife or girlfriend - emptied an upstairs cupboard, literally tore up some floorboards, and decided the problem couldn't be fixed until tomorrow (today). He turned off the boiler, drained the pipes and drank his coffee. "I'll be back first thing in the morning, love."

It's now half past four in the afternoon, and yep! you've got it: no bugger came.

We've been twenty-one hours without heat or hot water. I am not a happy bunny. The house is arctic, and my hair is lank. Evert time I ring, the receptionist repeats the mantra, "He's on his way, love."

If he isn't here by five o'clock, he'll be drinking his bloody coffee through a straw. From a hospital bed.